Parenting Teens

…by now, that I’m not your typical parent, and I most certainly am not one that qualifies as a “Helicopter parent”. In fact, I hadn’t even heard that term until a couple days ago, then all I could do was nod and agree “Oooooooh I haaaaaaaaaate them kinds!” under my breath. For those that don’t know, a “Helicopter parent” is one that hovers over their kids, rescuing them from any hint of dismay or trouble, and thus not allowing their kids to breathe, or learn from their own mistakes. They’re the rescuers, the smotherers, the ones that make the rest of us roll our eyes and declare we’ll NEVER be that way.

And I’m not that way, at all. Which is exactly why I was so stunned to find myself surrounded by not only “my” 6 teenage girls, but 100 other freshman at the orientation last night.

It may or may not be apparent, but I’m usually not a fan of other people’s kids. Especially in large, noisy groups. I don’t like crowds, and people tend to get upset if you give their kid the stink eye for misbehaving, and it’s practically painful for me to keep my mouth shut for long periods of time. So, MY intention was to ignore freshman orientation, as it was for the teens, and parental attendance was not necessary. Then my daughter suddenly got worried.

“Mom? Her (the youngest) thing is tomorrow right? So you’ll go with me tonight, right? I want you there… please??!”

I’m often mean (just ask them) but I’m not completely heartless, so I said I would, made quick arrangements to have my sister watch my youngest and our schitzo dog, and went over to the orientation with her. And 5 of her best giggly girly friends. I then found myself holding all their purses, as they ran off together (rebelling against the ‘dot’ system that had put them in different groups and instead opting to hang together) on the various activities planned for the freshman that night, by the “E-group” of seniors.

I sat there, alone, with various knitted objects in my lap, with nary a teenager in sight, just some of the teachers who gave me a sympathetic nod. I listened to the bells ring every 15 minutes and cringed a little inside. I didn’t like high school the first time, and don’t EVEN remind me how awful I felt dropping off my son for his first day of high school… and now I have another one joining the ranks? Life is officially NOT FAIR.

About halfway through I was able to make my escape due to A - a personal matter that needed immediate attention, and B - Nana and Papa offered me Triple Chocolate Ice Cream if I could get there. If it were just A - I probably would have stuck it out a little longer, but we’re talking Triple Chocolate Ice Cream! A girl has her limits, you know…

I did make sure to check on the girls, give them back their purses, and give hugs where they were wanted/needed before I left. As I stepped outside of the door, though, I paused to look back for just a moment and watch my daughter. She’d gotten over her nervousness, and was huddled with her friends, giggling, as they moved to the gym for their next activity. There was laughter, smiles, hair flips, sassy remarks, and a variety of fashion choices that made me cringe a little inside… but most of all, there was the very beginnings of confidence.

She had needed me, just for that little bit, and I was there. I didn’t, and won’t, hover, but I’ll always be ready to drop everything and be there to back her up when she needs it - even if it’s only to be in the same building for a half an hour while she gets her bearings.

So, remember a whole three days ago when I posted here about the first girlfriend, and also, first kiss? Well, it seems that it wasn’t a match made in heaven. Give me a moment while I mourn. Ok, I’m done!

It seems that C wanted to talk, and in the interest of ‘preserving their friendship’ she was already ready to let this whole Dating My Son thing go. The Boy is actually handling it fine, he just shrugged and was pretty “whatever” about the whole thing. It was, after all, only a few days. This opened up some fun conversations though as we talked through it on the way to his friends house. To give you an idea of just how irreverent a mother I am, here’s how it went.

Me: So, you ok?
(Note: This is not the irreverent part. I’m not THAT heartless.)
Him: Yeah, I’m fine.
Me: Think maybe she got spooked by Z and B’s breakup and how they’re not really friends anymore?
Him: s’possible. She didn’t really say. She just wants to be sure we stay friends.
Me: Guess that’s ok. NOT Friends with Benefits though.
Him: But MOOOOOOOOOOM! (chuckle, chuckle)
Me: school starts wednesday though. Lots of new girls. Without boyfriends.
Him: yeaaaaaaah. (smirky grin that I love so much - because it’s just like mine.)

Me: You know, I think the NEXT time you get a girlfriend, you should at least be able to take her out on an official date before she breaks up with you.
Him: Yeah, that’d probably be best.
Me: Unless the kissing is just REALLY that bad…
Him: (…blush.)
Me: I meant YOUR kissing, by the wa….OW! What was THAT for?!
Him: because.
Me: harumph. Fine. We won’t discuss the quality of your kissing then. Whatever.

Me: You know, your papa will be disappointed.
Him: Why?
Me: he had a whole bunch of jokes ready with her name.
Him: awww. I’ll find him another good one.

(A car speeds by, with a couple girls waving at him - he was driving during these conversations, did I not mention that? Driving lessons will be covered another day. When my heart resumes normal speed.)

Me: someone you know?
Him: Nope. Someone I might wanna know.
Me: You’ve been broken up for THREE WHOLE HOURS… and you’re ALREADY trolling?
Him: what can I say..
Me: You DOG you. Your daddy would be SO proud.
Him: I know, huh?
Me: (groans.) I’m doomed. DOOMED!
Him: heh.heh.heh.

So there you have it. A prime example of how to talk to your teenagers. Well, if your kids are my kids, anyway. And if you were me… ok - so this is just an example of the kind of tomfoolery that happens even when we talk of semi-sensitive matters.

Just wait till you see how I handled THE talk…

As parents of teenagers, I’m sure you know that no matter how many kids you actually gave BIRTH too, you’ll become mom to a whole plethora of random souls that follow your teenagers home. There’s the friends, the friends’ friends, boyfriends and girlfriends(SOB!) and all of the friends’ girlfriends and/or boyfriends. The front of your house resembles a revolving door as the ever changing dynamic brings different groups to your house.

And once they are there - they eat.
They eat a LOT.

(What they DON’T do, however, is dishes. Dammit.)

I’ve been generally lucky with both of my teenagers choices in friends. There’s a solid core group for each of them, and the majority of those friends I like. I think I’d like them even if I gave birth to them and had been stuck with them for the past 16+ years. They call me mom (indeed, most don’t even know my real name) and since my house is the one closest to their schools, they parade in and out between school and work and the drive home to check in, make phone calls, check their work schedules (I keep copies of ALL the kids’ schedules for them - mine plus friends)… and eat.

Fortunately, I’ve discovered that - while not exactly the healthiest choice, it’s certainly one of the cheapest - they love cup of noodles. Any day of the week, you can find at least two, and sometimes three or more, teenagers in my kitchen, vying for the stash, the water, and the microwaves so that they can make their snack. One of the boys, Z, works at a store that has a Chinese Food Stand, and thus a bunch of soy sauce packets and chopsticks for the taking when you buy a meal. He buys the meal, grabs extras, and then the kids don’t even dirty my silverware to eat. A cup o’noodles, a set of cheap/free wooden chopsticks, and they’re happy as clams.

If clams liked cup o’noodles, that is.

I like this little ritual, though I’d never tell THEM that. I love that they feel that my house is a safe place to be, that they’ve somewhere - someone to turn too, even if it’s for something so simple as a snack. Those that drive have ‘their’ parking spots, and they repay my steady supply of noodlage by giving my kids rides here, there and everywhere. (With the price of gas what it is, I’m pretty sure I’m coming out on the good side of THAT deal.)

They talk to me, too, and it’s not just because they swear I have the mind of a 16 year old boy. At least I don’t think it’s just because of that - but either way, they come to me when they need help, and feel they can’t go to their parents. That’s not to say I wouldn’t call said parents if the situation warranted it, but usually it doesn’t.

This openness is how I ended up with B. sleeping on my couch.

B was Z’s girlfriend at the time. Z is one of The Boy’s friends. She’s a lovely girl, all attitude and smiles and piercings and multicolored hair - and she’d had a bit of a raw deal dealt her. Her mom died in 2000, her dad had her live with her grandparents after that. It was rough going, and though she had the support of another set of grandparents, it was just rough. The night they kicked her out/she left, they came directly to me.

There was no way I was gonna let her sleep in Z’s car somewhere, so I made sure she knew she was welcome to stay with me. I let her relax for the night, but the next day came the hard part.

Many think I’m a pushover, but my kids (and their friends) would tell you otherwise. There are consequences to your actions, and when you are kicked out/moved out of your house at 17, one of them that all important phone call. I had B call her grandparents, and let her know she was safe. Then she called her manager, explained truthfully what happened and why she missed work, and walked her through how to make it sound right and keep her job. Then I made sure she had her meds, her paycheck, access to everything she needed. And when her other grandmother called me, I was honest with her and let her know what was going on, exactly.

As worried and scared at the new situation that B was, I think she appreciated my lead and help during the month she lived with me. In fact, I know she did, because she just invited me over to her new apartment for dinner two nights ago. She turns 18 in two weeks, found herself a roommate, and let me help her find a kitten. Her dad showed up with some furniture, pots and pans and such, and between us we got her settled in well.

And don’t think that she’s off the hook! I talk to her daily, usually via txt (I know, I’m SO freakin hip!), usually initiated by her. I nag her about her meds, I nag her about her money, I make sure she has food, I make sure she has rent, and I make sure she’s checked in with her grandparents and dad. She knows she can come to me no matter what - she even uses me as her emergency contact number. She’s one of my kids now - how could I treat her any different then I would my own?

It’s a fine line to walk, that of parent and friend, at any age, but they all know - as lenient as I can sometimes be in some situations, I am no pushover. And I love nothing more then to look at them, grin big, throw up my hands and crow…

“I WIN!”

I knew it would. I mean, part of me hoped it would sooner or later, though if I’m perfectly honest, I was pulling for the ‘later’. Then I found, when it DID happen, that just saying the WORD made me want to cry. So here it is.

My son, my strong, quiet, shy, loving and lovable child of just 16 years old, has his first girlfriend.

Ouch. That hurts. And don’t think I miss the irony of having written this post just 24 hours beforehand - or that Nana wrote this one yesterday, either!

You see, before this, all the jokes were of the “you know, it’ll happen EVENTUALLY” variety. Now, all of the sudden, eventually seems a whole lot closer then I was ready to acknowledge! I know that it was luck that had him quietly NOT dating this long, but now all bets are off. So the questions start.

Did I really teach him well enough?
Will he be respectful to her?
Will she break his heart and am I going to REALLY hurt her for doing so?
Will they wait (omgwaitPLEASEWAIT) until they’re (..I’m! Wait until I’m…) ready before taking things farther then the kiss (OMG HE GOT HIS FIRST KISS!?!)
What is the expiration date on those condoms, anyway and HEY! WHY ARE SOME MISSING? (I’m looking at YOU Z/B! How could you forget Rule Number Two?)

To be honest, I know the answers to those questions already, but the mom in me can’t help but wonder, as my heart breaks just a tiny bit. He was bound to grow up - hell, the child has been taller then me since he was 13, and he stands a towering 6 foot tall now over my mere 5′6″. And he’s built like a freakin linebacker, to boot. Even so, he’s always been my baby - my firstborn, my only son.

His daddy was very big on respect toward women, and those lessons are impossible to forget, as he’d heard them since he was born. Open the doors, carry the bags/books, be polite, be respectful, never EVER raise your hand against a lady in anger. He also had my influence too, of course. Girls like this, HATE that, find someone you can talk too, chemistry is nice but forever is a LONG TIME, take your time, be their friend first - everything else will come, talk to me, talk to me, talk TO ME.

As such, The Boy has always been ‘the friend’ to the girls in his group of peers, as well as his sister’s friends, and random girls who’s lockers were near his. He gives great hugs, and has strong shoulders that can carry any load. Girls talk to him, they seek him out when they need reassurance in the form of a hug and quiet, non-judgmental understanding. And even so, my shy boy never once thought he was noticed, never thought the girls knew he existed. “They know,” I’d tell him often. “They know - just wait and see. The smart girls marry their friends, like I did. Your time will come.”

His time is here. We’ve teased him for months that this co-worker liked him. We’d pointed out all of the evidence, but he’d just shake his head, maybe blush a little. We teased, but we knew he’d have to be ready, and he’d take his time. Then, with one last nudge of his friend Z who wrote the all important txt message that opened the conversation, holding it to The Boy’s hand so that he actually pushed send, he made his move. A move she’d obviously been waiting for. (She did, however, make him ask her out in person, not in text. That gets points with Mama!)

So there it is. I’ll have to get used to saying it. My son has a g…gi…gir…girlfriend. We’ve waited for it, expected it, wondered when it would happen - and now? All I want to do is take it back, take it ALL back, and go back to when he ran up and down the hallway screaming “Mama I LOVE you!” at the top of lungs, while I chased his tiny 2 year old form until I caught him, and we hugged and laughed until we couldn’t breathe.

Now I have to share his heart, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I guess I should have paid attention to all those books we read about sharing when the kids were younger. I didn’t, and thus - in the immortal words of those same kids - I’ll end with this:

“BUT I DON’T WANT TO!”

So, my comment in answer to a question on the last Myspace Post became, well, a whole ‘nother post, so I thought I’d move it here, in case someone else had the same type of question, and would benefit from seeing the answer.

Avrum Nadigel said:

Parent’s have asked me how to ensure their kids aren’t creating alternative identities at their friend’s place… internet cafes, etc.

Any advice?

The other issue is that, regardless of prep, parents can’t control how other teens use their child’s info. It’s truly the Wild West out there.

My advice is what it always is - TALK to the kids. It’s hard to start now if they haven’t built a foundation already, but it’s better to start now then not at all, you know? Also, know your kids’ friends. Know their parents. And check THEIR profiles on occasion too. I’m lucky in that my kids’ friends all seem to like me alright, they call me mom, and my house -closest to their school- is the local gathering spot for their group. I make an effort to Scare get to know each of the newcomers that show up, make them feel welcome, and let them know that it wasn’t so long ago that I was a teenager (They swear I’ve the mind of a 16 year old boy, anyway!) and I know, remember, and understand.

Kids are going to rebel. BEFORE that happens, we need to have already gotten into their heads that they CAN come to us and talk. If you haven’t already, it’s going to be a rocky process, but that’s better then discovering your kids doing naked body shots at a bar downtown with a fake id in their back pocket - discovered because pictures are on their myspace profile.

It’s also important to TRUST your kids. You’ve spent all this time raising them, do you doubt you’ve done a good job? Have the kids given you reason to fret, or are you just driving yourself mad with ‘what if…’ scenarios just for kicks? We have to let them stretch their wings sometime. We have to trust that they’ve listened when it’s important.

If they abuse that trust, that’s another scenario all together… the minute they do, all bets are off.

As for what other kids do - we can’t control that. We really can’t. So working ourselves into a tizzy about it only drives us more insane and causes us more ulcers. Know your kids friends. Hell, know their enemies. Listen when they talk - to you, to their buddies in front of you. If we stop yelling and panicking long enough to HEAR what they’re saying, we’ll all be in a better position to protect them when they need it.

It’s one of those hotbutton issues - do you myspace? Do you let you kids myspace? What about facebook? or whatever other Social Networks are out there where evil predators could lurk and steal your preshush beebees innocence? And more importantly - do YOU know what they’re doing while online?

The rules at my house were simple - no computers with internet access in their rooms until they could prove to me they’d behave. We started with little things - club penguin for the youngest, Disney Channel online, Cartoon Network, those kind of things. Then, the inevitable question came. “Mom, can I get a myspace?”

Note that my kids ASKED me first. I know that not many kids ask their parents, or feel they need too, but my kids knew better. Because they asked, it also allowed me to set down guidelines for them too.

I set up the accounts for them, just as I had set up their email addresses before. The rules were the same - you can change the password, but if I ask, you give it up freely, or I shut it down. And then I added them to my friends list, which lets me keep track if I want to as well.

Now, I’m not a super snoopy mom. I don’t check their accounts obsessively, I don’t even flip over to their profile more then once a month or so. But they know that I CAN. At any point in time I CAN. I find that fear of mom is a much better motivator then my actually having to invade their privacy. As I’ve told them often -if you act like my eyeballs are carried around a chain around your neck, and that I CAN SEE EVERYTHING, then you won’t do anything you don’t want me to see, right? (It helps that they’re a little gullible too - like the time I convinced them a friend of mine could spy on their computer activities via AIM. THAT one was golden! To this day they still think J. could tell what they were doing online while I was on vacation!)

I find that my kids and their friends don’t mind my being a Myspace Mom, all told. In fact, I’m one of the highest priced pets in the “By your friends as pets” war, and have been passed around to all their friends as everyone tries to ‘own’ me. I always wanted to be the cool mom, and it seems that I’ve achieved that goal in style!

So while some teens treat this kind of joining by parents as an intrusion, I think the important issue here is how you’ve talked to your kids about the whole internet Social Media deal. Are your guidelines reasonable? Are you giving them the room to spread their wings, do you trust that you’ve taught them enough to fly? It’s hard to balance the protectiveness with letting go, but it’s exactly what we have to do.

It all starts by talking to your kids. Start early, but if you haven’t - the time to start is now.

….of the American Teenager. My daughter (14) is OBSESSED with this show. Ok, maybe not obsessed with Johnny Depp level obsessed, but obsessed none the less. She hasn’t missed an episode and also makes me DVR them for her BFF who’s been out of town. I must confess, I haven’t missed an episode either - and not just because she watches each of them several times. (Wait! Come back! I’ll explain! Maybe…)

I find myself oddly charmed by the whole cheese factor of the show. And it is VERY cheesy! It boasts family values, while dishing on teenage issues with extreme stereotypical character types. I mean, do we even have ‘homes for girls in that… predicament’ any longer? And each teenager is the extreme example of their stereotype - from the Christian Cheerleader, to the High School Jock, to the nerdy guy, the cool drummer, the slutty baton twirler, and the nosy gossipy friends.

The cheese factor is saved though by the lead, Shailene Woodley’s ability to let her emotions filter across her face. She can turn on the waterworks in ways my kids WISH they could, because it ups the sympathy factor.

The uber-Christian Cheerleader cracks me up, mostly because I went to a small Christian School and I’m pretty sure I met several versions of her during those years. Of course, the other cheerleaders were much like the baton twirler who adores sex. And if we’re being completely honest here (and when aren’t I?) I was a cheerleader too for a year. But I was neither extreme, and leaned more towards the innocent side, thank you very much. (Stop laughing!)

While I applaud the premise of the show, it’s done what we expected and drawn controversy due to their extreme pro-life standing, even as they discuss the possibilities of abortion and the like. Parents are upset that Amy turned to her friends first, but any parent of a teen knows that was one of the more realistic portions - no teen goes to their mom first. They go to their friends.

The most realistic part of the show is how fast the story got around the school. Unrealistic is expecting us to believe the time frame - just HOW pregnant IS Amy? One minute she’s showing already, the next she’s not so much, and they’re talking about abortion after she’s already showing and even skinny folks don’t start showing until 4-5 months which is second trimester and treading that fine line of yes it can happen and no it cant? However, the show did deliver one of the Best Lines Ever!

Amy: “I mean, it was only a couple of seconds, I’m not sure it really WAS sex, at least, until THIS happened…”

Best. Line. Ever.

Anyway, the little PSA at the end about talking to your kids is an important one - even if it, too, is cheesy as hell. I’ve never had much problem talking to my teenagers about sex and the consequences thereof. No, really! The conversation goes like this:

Me: (Singing, of course) Let’s talk about SEX baby… let’s talk about you and NO ONE ELSE EVER!
Teenagers: (Much rolling of eyes.)
Me: Alright. The first four words of EVERY conversation on this subject are….
Teenagers: (Rolling eyes, counting them off, mouthing along with me…)
Me: I WILL KILL YOU. Right. Rule number two about Fight Club?
Teenagers: oh GAWD mom. Seriously.
Me: RULE NUMBER TWO!
Teenagers: (Singsong) Condoms are not water balloons.
Me: And they are…
Teenagers: Above the kitchen sink in the basket.
Me: Because?
Teenagers: It drives Nana nuts.
Me: Um. uh. yeah, that too - but the OTHER reason?
Teenagers: (singsong) You’d rather have them there and not needed then needed and not there.
Me: And finally?
Teenagers: You keep count. We know. Can we go now?

Sure, we had the serious conversations first, I’m not completely insane. (What did I say about that laughing?) We don’t have to have them repeatedly though, and the above mostly happens in front of their friends. Because I’m the ‘cool mom’ and love to embarrass my kids - and the house rules apply to everyone, even friends. Also, I found out a long, long time ago that lessons taught with humor stick longer then lessons taught too large a dose of seriousness.

Mostly, I’m too young to be a grandma, heck - I’m too young to have two kids in high school! So I’d rather they think now, and know to protect themselves, before the petting gets to heavy and they forget to think at all. If watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager helps aid them in that thought process? I’m all for it, cheese factor be damned.

Welcome back to Parenting Teens Blog - I’m you’re new hostess with the mostest, Lessa. I thought I’d start my tenure with PTB by introducing myself to you all, and explaining a little of what you might find here. Sure, most folks would suggest I not scare you off right away, but I decided to take my chances anyway.

There’s a little about the author link over there on the right with my name on it, but the basics are that I am 38 years old, a widow, mother of three - two of whom are teenagers 16 and 14, plus the 9 year old. I am a stay at home mom, with several ‘other other other’ jobs that I use to help keep us afloat, while allowing me to spend as much time with my kids as I can stand - you know, at least 5 -10 minutes a day.

I suppose I should give you fair warning after that sentence, hm? I am not your ‘normal’ mom. That’s not to say that physically I’m any different than any other round, loud, busybody female who’s carried three babies to term and raise them for years afterwards while managing not to irrevocably harm them in the process - but in oh so many ways, I’m not what you’d expect when you think of “Mom”. The ways in which I am different from the oh so revered “Soccer Mom”? Here’s two ways, just to get you started.

1. My hair is usually blue. Or green. Or purple. Or red. Or bleached in a fiery pattern. Or anything, basically, then my normal and vaguely recollected dishwater blond.

It started back when my kids started making rumblings about coloring their hair. Rule in my house - no wild color until the kid is 12. That way they understand they’ll be pointed at, and are prepared. (The exception was for sports events, natch. I’m not completely heartless - unless you ask the kids. heh.) I discovered a love for the “Rogue Stripes” ala X-men, and then the kids took turns picking the color for those stripes. I don’t remember a time when my hair was it’s natural, god-given color, but I think it was sometime in my 20s. Did I mention I didn’t start the hair color until I turned 30? Yeah. Midlife crisis anyone?

(ETA - Full disclosure demands that I further blame the hair color - the FIRST round of blue - on my best friend in CA. He broke me oh so gently into the wild color schemes with a light blue wash that made people look twice during my first visit to CA. I decided I liked it. The rest - as they say - is history!)

2. I don’t give a flying f**k for the status quo.

Blunt? Yeah, probably, but it’s who I am. I don’t care how you raise your kids, as long as you don’t decide you have to dictate to me how to raise mine. I care that we work together to raise honest, hardworking, empathetic, talented, respectful kids, and I know that there are 18million different ways to achieve that goal. We can’t teach our kids respect, unless we show each other respect. As long as there is no harm to the child, no harm to the parents, and the end result is the same, why on earth should we quibble about the details? Opinions are like…. you know the rest.

The rest will likely come as we get to know one another and I take up posting regularly here at PTB. I might scare you, I might cause your blood pressure to rise, I might cause you to think. I am hoping that you will join in, comment, and cause all the same things to happen to me in return. All I ask is that we remain respectful of one another, and our kids, as we work together to raise the next generation the best way we know how.

Without ending up curled up in a corner in the fetal position, whimpering. Heh.

Do you know anything about the dropout rate in your local school system? Do you have a daughter who may be in danger of dropping out of high school?

The National Women’s Law Center has a new report titled When Girls Don’t Graduate, We All Fail: A Call To Improve High School Graduation Rates for Girls

The statistics truly are alarming. The report states that 1,000 high school students drop out of school each hour in America. This means that 30% of the class of 2007, or 1.2 million students are estimated to have dropped out of school last year.

Also according to the report, one in three boys, and nearly 50% of some racial and ethnic groups will not graduate with a diploma in four years of high school. Among girls, one in four overall will not graduate from high school. One in two Native American girls will not graduate; four in ten African-American girls, and nearly four in ten Hispanic girls do not graduate each year.

The study gives the following recommendations for dealing with dropout prevention:

* Combating sexual harassment in schools. Both boys and girls report that they drop out in part because they do not feel safe at school. Download a fact sheet on sexual harassment for schools or for students.
* Providing better support for pregnant and parenting students. Pregnancy and parenting responsibilities play a significant role in many girls’ decisions to drop out of school.
* Ensuring equal access for girls to career and technical education classes. These classes provide training for high-skill, high-wage jobs. Offering career education programs that emphasize the link between academic work, college success, and careers has been proven to reduce dropout rates.
* Ensuring equal access for girls to after-school programs, including athletics programs. Studies have shown that participation in after-school programs improves graduation rates and academic achievement.

Do you know anything about the dropout rate in your local schools? Even if you don’t have teens at risk of dropping out, you should be concerned. We’re raising the generation who will, one day, be in charge of things and, hopefully, taking care of us!

Volunteer to help in efforts to curb dropout rates. Our teens and the rest of society will be better for it.

For more on parenting, see Parenting The Adopted.

teens, teenagers, high school, high school dropouts, school dropouts, dropping out of school, graduation rates, high school graduation rates, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

Are your teen’s teachers male or female? Does that question ever come up for you? Do you consider whether your student is getting good role models from both sexes?

Nationally, the number of male teachers in classrooms is declining, especially in elementary schools. According to Scholastic,
in 1980 about 17 percent of teachers in elementary school classrooms were male, compared with 14.2 percent today. In secondary schools, the number of men in classrooms has dropped from just over 50 percent in 1980 to less than 40 percent today.

The National Education Association (NEA) puts the percentage of male teachers nationwide at a 40 year low. And, according to NEA president Reg Weaver, the scarcity of male teachers is unfortunate, given the high divorce rate and men increasingly absent from the home. He says that male teachers are increasingly needed as role models for children.

“…one of the reasons colleges of education find it difficult to attract men into the profession (is) because of the outdated notion that teaching is a woman’s profession,” Weaver said. “And that could not be further from the truth.” The perception of teaching as a woman’s profession is still there, as is the reality of low pay and men needing to be breadwinners. However, more reasons than those are also part of the decline.

According to Steve Peha, president of Teaching That Makes Sense, Inc., other factors are more important. Many male teachers go into administrative positions to be more upwardly mobile. Others may not like being one of the few male teachers in a school, where they experience loneliness. And many feel threatened in a society where parents are likely to bring sexual misconduct charges at the drop of a hat. “I’ve had plenty of principals admit to me in private that they just don’t want to deal with men in the primary grades at all,� Peha says. “It’s not prejudice, it’s politics. They know that women in those positions will be more readily accepted by parents.�

It’s our children who lose because of these attitudes, most especially, perhaps, the boys. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2006, 12.9 million households were headed by single parents, with 10.4 million of those headed by single mothers. Boys need role models in a society where men may increasingly be absent from the household on a full-time basis.

As a single mother who raised a daughter alone for several years, I can also attest to the fact that girls need good male role models. My daughter had the best in my father and my brother, but I also appreciated the male teachers that she did have in her elementary school years, and I continue to be grateful to the positive male role models in her high school.

This is an issue to think about, as well as to encourage young men who have an interest in teaching to pursue that interest. Male teachers are in high demand, and there is a very real service that they provide-not just by being teachers, but by being role models for those who need them.

For information on homeschooling, visit Mom Is Teaching

teens, teenagers, students, teachers, male teachers, teaching, elementary school, high school, middle school, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

I’m really on my soapbox this morning, so I just have to blog about it! I found this article online at the Athens Banner-Herald, a local paper here in Georgia. Apparently, parents of kids at Malcolm Bridge Elementary School in Oglethorpe County, Georgia, are up in arms over their children seeing a video with a scene depicting childbirth.

The show is a 1997 episode of “Reading Rainbow” called “On The Day You Were Born.” According to the article, teachers have been showing this video every year since it was aired in 1997. It is part of the school’s approved curriculum. The video is part of a section of lessons on family changes, and depicts a real family of five dealing with the expected birth of a new child.

I haven’t seen the video, but the article describes the controversial(!) scene as real, and not a dramatization. The mother is shown from the side dressed in a hospital gown, and no private parts are revealed. Following the birth, the doctor holds up the newborn for the camera.

Some parents were outraged that their children had been shown this video. One mother called it “disgusting” and thought that parents should have been notified that it would be shown. The teachers who showed the video wrote a letter home to the parents, apologizing for any issues it had caused.

What is wrong with these people?! Since when is childbirth disgusting? I’m the proud mom of a 17-year-old. I remember her birth as though it were yesterday. There was nothing disgusting about it. I’ll grant you, there were moments in there when I wasn’t exactly having fun, but I certainly didn’t find it repulsive. And just look what I have to show for it!

I’m genuinely amazed by the attitudes of some people. What kind of examples are we setting for our children by making so much fuss over something which is a normal, natural part of life? I wonder what that mom will say if her child asks if she found his/her birth “disgusting?”

I realize this has nothing in particular to do with teenagers, but I’ve seen parents of teens with the same strait-laced attitudes. Let’s lighten up here, people!

For more on younger children, go to
Parenting Children

parenting, childbirth, school curriculum, sex education, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

Do you have a teenager with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)? Does he or she often feel overwhelmed. For most of us, the feeling of being overwhelmed comes along with a big project or some kind of stressful event. For a teen with ADHD, that overwhelming feeling can come with something as simple as doing homework, or planning how to use weekend time.

Another concern is school projects, such as book reports, presentations-anything that will take more than a few hours to complete. The fact that it must be done in steps over a period of time adds to the problem. How do you help your teen address such issues?

For overwhelming nightly homework, help your teenager choose the first assignment to do. If possible, choose an assignment which they enjoy, find easy to do, or that is short. This will be faster to complete, and will help them feel a sense of accomplishment at completing the task, which can raise their level of confidence. When your child is working on an assignment, have him/her put everything else away, and simply concentrate on the task at hand. No distractions. This can make homework go much more smoothly for an ADHD child.

For larger projects, break down the larger project into its smaller steps, and schedule the entire project on a calendar. Perhaps you will want to keep the calendar out of your teen’s sight, so that the sight of the entire project doesn’t give them that overwhelmed feeling again! On a calendar that your teen has access to, write down one item at a time on the date it needs to be completed. This way, he/she has only one item to concentrate on-not a bunch of tasks over a large period of time. After they have completed the task on the calendar, you can mark it off as finished, and add another task.

To help a teen manage weekend time, assist them in making out a schedule. First, schedule time for things which must be done, such as chores and homework. If they have outings with friends or groups, put those into the schedule at the proper times. Helping your ADHD teen get into the habit of planning and allocating their time is a skill they will use for the rest of their lives. Helping them do it now will make it easier for teenagers when they go away to college.

If you have a teen or other child with ADHD and have any tips for the rest of us, please let us know in the comments!

Check out Mental & Emotional Health for other good tips.

teens, teenagers, attention deficity hyperactivity disorder, ADHD, attention deficity disorder, parenting, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

For those of you who don’t follow the music and artists that your teenagers follow,27-year-old rapper T.I.(Clifford Harris, Jr.) is currently in jail in Atlanta. He faces federal weapons-related charges, including possessing three unregistered machine guns, two silencers, and possession of firearms by a convicted felon.

T.I. is a big name in rap. His best-selling albums include King, Urban Legend, and Trap Muzik, as well as the movie soundtrack Hustle and Flow. His movie appearances include ATL and the current American Gangster with Denzel Washington. He hangs out with other rappers like Diddy, Young Jeezy, and Jay-Z. He’s a big influence in the lives of some of your teens out there.

T.I. was arrested on Saturday night, just hours before he was to appear on BET’s Hip-Hop awards in Atlanta. His arrest came as part of a federal sting operation in which his bodyguard was arrested attempting to purchase firearms from an undercover Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (ATF) agent. The bodyguard informed the ATF that he was purchasing the weapons for T.I., with money provided to him by the rapper.

The bodyguard also informed the ATF that T.I. had fronted him thousands of dollars to buy guns on four different occasions since July of this year. In cooperation with the ATF, the bodyguard wore a wire while meeting with T.I. to hand over three machine guns and two silencers. When he was told about one of the silencers, T.I. reportedly said “no flash, no bang” and asked for the “change leftover” from the $12,000 he had given the bodyguard for the weapons. At that point, he was taken into custody.

T.I. was convicted of drug distribution in June, 1998 in Georgia. He also has additional arrests, and a probation violation for unlawfully possessing firearms. This prevents him from legally buying guns himself. He will remain in jail at least until Friday, when hearings will be held to determine whether he is eligible for bail, and whether there was probable cause to arrest him.

Sounds like yet another wonderful role model for our kids. If you have teens who are into rap, talk about this situation with them, and follow the news with them. Seeing their idols forced to answer to, and take responsibility for, their actions, just might make them think a little harder before getting into trouble.

For more news on rappers see:
Diddy
Young Jeezy

T.I., Clifford Harris, Diddy, Young Jeezy, American Gangster, ATL, rap music, rappers, teens, teenagers, parenting, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

The past week saw two more incidents involving school shootings or potential shootings by teenagers. On Wednesday in Cleveland, Ohio, 14-year-old Asa Coon shot two students and two teachers, before killing himself. Police are currently reviewing surveillance videos, trying to find out how the teenagers was able to enter SuccessTech Academy alternative school, while armed with two revolvers.

The teen also, apparently, had made threats the previous week, which went unheeded, along with other warning signs from the troubled boy. Asa Coon had been suspended the Monday before the shooting for a fight, but fellow students said that school personnel had not done anything about threats he had made the previous week to blow up the school and stab students. Rasheem Smith, 15, a classmate, said, “I told my friends in the class that he had a gun and stuff. We talked to the principal. She would try to get us all in the office, but it would always be too busy for it to happen.”

Asa’s older brother, Stephen Coon, 19, was arrested the day after the shooting for theft and parole violations. And an arrest warrant was issued for his mother, Lori Looney, for obstruction of justice, after she lied to police about the whereabouts of Stephen.

The second incident occurred in Philadelphia. There, police were able to prevent a planned attack at Plymouth Whitemarsh High School by another 14-year-old boy. The teenager had amassed an arsenal of including knives, swords, about 80 pellet guns-and a rifle bought for him by his mother. The mother, Michele Cossey, has been arrested and charged with providing a firearm to a minor, and contributing to the corruption of a minor.

Her teen son was arrested late Wednesday and told police he had been planning a “Columbine-type attack” on the high school. The boy’s parents had taken him out of middle school and homeschooled him for the past 18 months, because of bullying.

These are yet two more tragic and shameful incidents which plainly illustrate the ways in which we are failing our children. Failure to communicate with our teens, and failure to take action when signs of trouble or violence are seen has tragic consequences. Please stay in touch with what’s going on with your teenagers! If you see ANY signs of problems, take them seriously, and get help for your child. It can save grief and lives-including those of your teenager and yourself.

teenagers, teens, school shootings, school violence, Asa Coon, Philadelphia school shooting, Cleveland school shooting, parenting, parenting teens, parenting teenagers, troubled teens

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It’s the perfect time to talk with your teen about the dangers of finding themselves involved in a relationship with violence or the potential for violence. According to the website Choose Respect, 1 in 11 high school students report being the victim of physical dating abuse, and about one in four teens reports verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse each year.

Following is the text of the Teen Dating Bill of Rights:

Accept responsibility for myself and my actions.
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Be sure to talk with your teenager (whether male or female), about violence in relationships. Have them be watchful about any treatment or attitudes which make them uncomfortable from a boyfriend or girlfriend. Getting into inappropriate relationships can become a pattern. Help your teens know how to set boundaries, and be aware of the behavior of those with whom they have relationships.

For more on emotional issues, visit

Mental and Emotional Health

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